Francis J. DeStefano R.I.P.

My son Francis took his life on January 15 at the age of 58 after being tormented for years by mental illness. Here is a eulogy prepared for him by his brother Ed.

For those of you who don’t know me, I am Ed DeStefano, the second of 6 children born to our parents Frank and Linda. Francis was my older brother. 

As I reflected back on Fran’s life this week, looking through pictures, and remembering our lives together, some things occurred to me that really defined who he was.

He was so so smart

He was abundantly kind, not just kind but abundantly kind. He would do anything to help anyone and he would always turn the other cheek. 

He also wanted to make his mark, do something important, leave a legacy.

He had strong faith not just in God but in humanity. 

In the later years of Fran’s life he fought hard to overcome mental illness but before all that he was a strong, capable, smart guy. This is the Fran I like to remember, the Fran I know. The one who excelled at everything he did. When we were boys we played baseball in little league. Fran was a star, he could hit and played a number of positions but mostly he was a great catcher. Very rarely would you see a kid in little league throw someone out who was stealing second but Fran could. 

He was so cool and I looked up to him so much. We would ride our bikes to the hobby shop and buy things for our train sets, model rocket kits, or other hobby stuff. We would work together for hours in the basement building models. In the end his were always perfect. The assembly, not too much glue, things perfectly in alignment, perfect paint job. My models would be a mess, they would fly but his would win best in show too.

For most of our childhood I was the tag along, Fran would be going to a youth group meeting and have to bring me along. There was Friday night volleyball, dungeons and dragons at his friends houses, scouts, high school theatre, and he had to bring me along. But he did and didn’t complain - that’s the Fran I know.

He got chosen to go to Talcott mountain and came back with an electronic device he built with Integrated circuits. This is when our TV still had tubes. He taught me to solder and tried to explain how it worked. I never got it. I always loved music and wanted to play guitar. When I gave up on my lessons he took it up and learned to play beautifully. 

There were pictures of him helping with my first house, and at birthday parties for my kids. Reading to my daughter and playing in the pool with a super soaker. He was a big kid, kind and fun and always a great brother to me, that’s the Fran I know.

After graduating college he started his own computer business. Consulting, writing software for customers and offering computer training. He called it Prince Computing, I was in awe of how easy it all was for him. I used to joke with him that my small excavating business should be called Pauper Excavating.

The last time I had the occasion to speak on his behalf was at his wedding. I doubted his decision to get married and it was a struggle to put something together that I felt comfortable saying. In the end I realized that Fran knew what he was doing. He picked the right person.  He and Joan had two boys who have grown to be amazing people. Both smart, capable, and kind, very much like the Fran I know. 

So this is his legacy – to have been a great son and brother, not just to me but to his 4 sisters too. To have accomplished so much in life and helped so many along the way. To have climbed so many mountains only to climb another. To have two young boys that are now men that are making their way in the world and have already accomplished so much. Francis has left his mark on all of us. 

Lastly I would like to touch on his faith. This was unshakable and if you ask me at times over the top. Nevertheless Francis believed in God and was a soldier of the lord. God gave him a burden to carry and Francis fought hard to bear it. But even in the fight Francis never was angry or hurtful, he would smile and laugh at a joke or make a gentile gesture. That’s the Fran I know.

I learned recently that Saint Francis had a different way of looking at death, Saint Francis chose to embrace death as one so close to him as to be called “Sister.” St. Francis tells us rather than battle sister death to love and welcome sister death. Some­day Sister Death will greet us and we will go home to our God who created us, loves us, and re­deems us through Jesus our Savior. In dying we are born to eternal life.

Francis believed this and I believe he is now at rest in paradise. Maybe working on a new guitar riff with Jimi Hendrix or the classical equivalent. 

RIP Fran